4 Tips for Dealing with the Pain and Struggle of Working Toward a Goal
You’ve set a goal, and you just know you’re gonna crush it.
You’ve taken lots of time to create a strategy and plan your first few moves, and spent even more time blissfully daydreaming about the end result.
But when it comes time to execute — soon after you start taking your first real actions, something feels…wrong.
You’re struggling.
This is a lot more difficult and time consuming than you envisioned. You’re starting to feel frustrated, anxious and self-conscious. Doubtful thoughts start pouring in:
Why is this so hard for me?
Am I not good enough?
Was this a bad idea?
Sure, it’s possible you set the wrong goal, but it’s much more likely you simply forgot to prepare for a crucial and unavoidable part of your journey — the difficult and painful struggle that comes with it.
Don’t feel bad — everyone does this. Many, many people don’t even make it past the “planning and daydreaming” stage — once they get their first real taste of pain, they give up or tell themselves they’re “just not ready yet.”
But that doesn’t have to be you. You can give yourself a huge advantage by simply acknowledging the pain and struggle that comes along with each goal you set, and taking some time to prepare for it.
This won’t be easy of course, so here are 4 tips to help you get started:
#1. Expect It
It’s easy to forget about pain and struggle when you’re caught up planning and fantasizing about your goal. But part of maturity is leaving the fantasy world and realizing that anything worth doing is going to be difficult and painful.
Ensure that you lose any naivety by planning for pain each time you set a goal. You can do this by listing out the predictable painful emotions and thoughts that will inevitably come with each action, so they won’t take you by surprise and throw you off course.
You can categorize them into emotions, thoughts and physical sensations. Here’s an example of what my own list looks like for my goal of starting a new blog:
Emotions:
- Fear
- Self-Doubt
- Perfectionism
- Frustration
Thoughts:
- “This was a bad idea”
- “I’m not good enough”
- “I’m going to make a fool of myself”
- “Maybe this is the wrong path for me”
Physical Sensations:
- Chest tightening
- Heart racing
- Stomach sinking
- Fatigue
Keep this list on hand and within your eye-sight, just as you would a list of next action-steps. Listing these out won’t make them any less painful, but the simple awareness this exercise brings makes them less likely to derail you from making progress.
You can remind yourself that your commitment to this goal is an open invitation to think, feel and experience everything on this list and more.
So when you start to feel that sense of fear or dread creeping in, you can glance at your list and say to yourself “Yep, here it is!”
#2. Normalize It
Even when you’re expecting pain, it still affects you deeply, and can make you seriously question if you have what it takes to keep going.
This is why it’s important to normalize pain and struggle — to remind yourself that it is a completely natural and normal experience, and not a sign you’re weak, incompetent or defective.
Pain and struggle aren’t just unfortunate side effects either — they’re a crucial part of the growth process. They’re a good thing, even though they don’t feel good.
It feels terrible for a body-builder to do squats, but each one makes them stronger. Making a mistake during a presentation feels humiliating but you can be sure you’ll never make that same mistake again — you’ve learned from it.
Stop telling yourself you shouldn’t be struggling and start reminding yourself: “This feels terrible but it’s a normal part of the growth process.”
It’s also normal to hate the pain, to resent it and want it to go away. To have the strong urge to distract yourself or give up entirely. Our brains were wired to move toward pleasure and away from pain, so breathe, and tell yourself, “I hate the pain. And that’s okay.”
#3. Notice It
Expecting and planning for pain is super helpful, but you’ve also got to remember to notice your pain in real time, especially the negative, fearful thought patterns that come with it.
Your brain is wired to keep you safe from danger, and the vulnerability that comes with pursuing a difficult goal is no exception. You need to be prepared for your mind to try and rationalize all the reasons why you should procrastinate or give up.
Let’s look at one of the predicted thoughts from my list above:
“Maybe this is the wrong path for me.”
This thought, if believed, could lead me to a whole host of other rationalizations:
“I really need to take a break and think about other options.”
“Blogging is so uncertain — maybe I need to focus on something more realistic”
I have fallen into this trap many times, and taken weeks off from my goal, only to realize that these thoughts were just my mind’s way of trying to get me to avoid the uncertainty and vulnerability of being a writer.
I had to start paying better attention to my inner experience and thought patterns to keep from believing everything I think when i’m feeling anxious and frustrated with my work.
A great way to create some distance between you (as a conscious being), and and the thoughts your mind is generating, is to add the phrase:
“I am having the thought that….” to each thought, as you notice it.
So “I should probably quit” becomes:
“I am having the thought that I should quit.” Can you feel the space?
The first thought is likely to be perceived as truth, and is a call to action — to quit. The second thought, framed differently, is simply a verbal event, generated by your mind — and you can choose how to respond to it.
When discomfort creeps in, pay very close attention to your thought patterns and re-frame them.
#4. Own It
Don’t forget that when you commit to working toward a goal, you also commit to the pain and suffering it takes to get there. You could have chosen any other path, but you chose this one — this pain, this suffering.
Pain feels different when you think of it not as an outside force unfairly targeting you, but as part of a consciously chosen journey. The pain belongs to you — it’s your rite of passage, so own it.
Ask yourself why you chose this particular path — what core values lead you to set this goal? My own choice to start a blog was inspired by my core values of honesty, expression and creativity. These are noble values to hold, but actually living toward them — aligning my actions with them, comes with a steep price.
When I am living and writing honestly and expressively, I feel incredibly vulnerable. I am risking being criticized and rejected by others who don’t share my views or lifestyle.
But I press on because my values are part of who I am and what I stand for. When I remember this, all that pain becomes less like a thorn in my side, and more like a spiritual undertaking.
Would you really feel proud of accomplishing your goal if it was easy and pain free? No — the pain and suffering you endured will likely be your strongest source of pride and self-trust.
Stop feeling victimized by the pain of your goal and starting claiming it as yours.
Pressing on Through Pain
No matter how much you prepare for pain and suffering, it still sucks. It feels terrible, and you are going to hate it with every fiber in your being. You’re still going to have the urge to quit, and your mind will supply you with a wide array of perfectly logical reasons to.
But when you expect pain, you’re able to meet it with wisdom and resolve.
Normalizing your struggle will remind you that you’re not incompetent or defective, and that you must struggle in order to grow.
When you notice painful thought patterns, your heightened awareness can save you from acting on your urge to give up.
And most importantly, when you own your experience of pain as a deeply personal, conscious choice, you relinquish your victim-hood and become a warrior with a mission.
This pain is a part of your own unique path — so press on, and be proud.
