Simplify Your Life: A 5-Step Guide to Uncovering What Truly Matters

I’m getting that feeling again.

Maybe you can relate.

This time, it hits me as I play “Connect Four” with my 7-year-old son.

I’m playing, but my head isn’t quite in the game. In the back of my mind I’m thinking about how I haven’t put away our Christmas tree yet (it’s February), all the laundry that’s piled up, and how I’m behind on my writing.

My chest tightens.

I’m not doing enough.

It’s a familiar thought, like a song always stuck in my head, appearing at the untimeliest moments.

I know I’m not the only one.

It often seems like everywhere you look, you’re lacking. Our brains are programmed to see the negative in any situation to ensure survival, and popular media never fails to remind us that our houses should be cleaner, our bodies leaner, and wallets thicker.

It’s no wonder I struggle to be present with my child during his favorite game.

But am I feeling anxiety because I really should be cleaning my house?

No: I’m simply confused about what’s most important in my life — my priorities are out of order.

Maybe you struggle with the same issue, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

When you get clear on what matters most — your priorities, you learn to challenge your worries and judgments as they come up — to look within and know in your heart you are engaging in what is most important at this very moment.

The best part: setting your priorities doesn’t have to be complicated, and you can start today by following 5 simple steps.

Step 1: Determine Your Values: How do I want to be remembered?

When you die, and all your loved ones are at your funeral, do you think whoever gives your eulogy will talk about how clean your house was? Probably not.

What they will talk about, is the legacy you left behind — what you stood for.

What makes up your legacy are your values.

Were you empathetic and sincere in your relationships? Were you courageous when faced with adversity?

You can think of values as directions you want your life to take — in this way, values differ from goals in that values can never be “attained.” They are chosen points of a compass for you to move toward, even after you fail to accomplish a goal.

Author and psychologist Steven C. Hayes describes values as “qualities of unfolding action.”

Some of my own personal values are: Compassion, loyalty, authenticity, honesty, creativity and courage.

Exercise: Write Your Eulogy

In his book, Living Forward, author Michael Hyatt teaches you how to plan your life by starting at the end: your funeral.

He recommends you write your own eulogy by thinking about what you would want each of your loved ones to say about you and how you affected their life. He explains why your legacy is so important:

“Our legacy comprises the spiritual, intellectual, relational, vocational, and social capital we pass on. It’s the sum total of the beliefs you embrace, the values you live by, the love you express, and the service you render to others. It’s the you-shaped stamp you leave when you go.”

For example: you might hope your kids will remember you as a “kind and present parent,” or that your friends would say you were “loyal, and always there to listen.”

For this exercise, brainstorm a list of who would attend your funeral if you died today, and how you would want each of your loved ones to remember you.

At least 10 values should emerge. Write them all down and keep them handy to use for the next step.

Step 2: Determine Your Priorities: What matters most?

Who attended your funeral, and what areas of your life did they talk about? It’s time to start brainstorming the most important aspects of your life. You might call these your “Life Domains.”

Most people have similar life domains. They look something like:

• Parenting
• Marriage/Intimate relationships
• Friendship
• Family relations
• Career
• Spirituality
• Citizenship
• Health and well-being
• Leisure/recreation

Try to make your list exhaustive, but short. You should not have more than 10–12 domains.

Step 3: Carefully Order Your Priorities

Now for the tricky part — how should the different areas of your life be ordered? What is truly most important?

This step will require a lot of reflection, but once you have your domains ranked in order of importance, you’ll have clarity about how to manage your time according to what truly matters the most.

For many of us, our first tendency is to put others first: So your choices for the top of the list may be:

• Parenting
• Marriage
• Family relations

But I would urge you to think about this: Are you able to serve your family in the best way possible if your health is failing?

Are you able to be present and compassionate with your children if you are irritable and stressed?

In Living Forward, Michael Hyatt notes:

“You are in a much better position to serve others when your basic needs are met and your “tank is full.”

This is why he recommends putting “Health and Wellbeing” as number one. This category would include fitness, nutrition, stress-management and mental health.

If you are religious, you might believe that faith is the foundation for everything else in your life, (including health), so you may consider putting “Spirituality” at or near the top.

How you order them will depend on your own personal life and beliefs, but it’s important to carefully consider their order.

Step 4: Assess Your Current Status

Now that you’ve got a list of priorities ranked in order of importance, it’s time to think about how you’ve actually been spending your time, and whether or not it’s a reflection of what you truly believe to be important in your life.

Is your house super clean, but your kids are starved for attention?

Are you making plenty of money and achieving your career goals, but gaining weight and feeling drained?

The best way to do this is to infuse each priority — or life domain — with your list of values from the first exercise. Next to each of your life domains, write a few short sentences describing how you want use your values in each area.

You should have something like:

Parenting: I’d like to be a present and compassionate mom, who always listens and takes time to play with my children and teach them good values.

Marriage: I’d like to be a caring, and thoughtful and affectionate wife, who supports and uplifts my husband, and plans special time with him each week.

Now that you have your priorities in order, take an honest look at your life, and create a second list reflecting how these priorities are currently ordered.

When I did this exercise, I could clearly see that I was putting my hobbies — writing, nutrition and fitness first — even over family.

It wasn’t because I never spent time with them — I was just so preoccupied with getting ahead, and worrying about failing that I couldn’t let go and truly be present with them. Sometimes I would get irritable if I felt they were interfering, when all they wanted was a little of my undivided attention.

It’s okay to not be perfect. Forgive yourself and thank yourself for taking the time to truly contemplate your actions and work toward a future that aligns with what means most to you.

Step 5: Plan Your Week Accordingly

What do you need to do in order to get your priorities back on track and live according to the values you’ve laid out?

How do you align action with your deeply held values?

The best thing you can do to ensure that you’re spending time on what matters most, is to plan your activities on a week-to-week basis.

I recommend using Outlook or Google Calendars — because they are easy to use, and you can view them on your phone. But you can also use a paper planner — just make sure it’s got plenty of space for you to schedule your daily activities.

You might think scheduling your week is a bit to organized for your taste — that it would take the spontaneity out of life, but I would urge you to think about this:

If you don’t take ownership of your time, other people will. Friends need favors, you’ll be invited to social events, or asked to cover someone’s shift at work. Don’t get caught with your pants down when someone asks, “Do you have any plans on Saturday?”

You might have had the vague intention of working out, taking your kids to the movies or practicing your guitar, but if you don’t have it “in the books,” it’s easy to bend to social pressure and skip out on what you really wanted in order to please someone else.

Not planning out your week also makes you more vulnerable to distractions throughout the day.

Author and habits expert James Clear teaches that all good habits need “implementation intentions” — a pre-determined time and place for the habit to occur. He explains why this is important in his book Atomic Habits:

“Being specific about what you want and how you will achieve it helps you say no to things that derail progress, distract your attention, and pull you off course. We often say yes to little requests because we are not clear enough on what we should be doing instead. When your dreams are vague, it’s easy to rationalize little exceptions all day long, and never get around to the specific things you need to do to succeed.”

Take a look at your 2 lists — one reflecting how your priorities are currently set, and your list of their ideal order. Doing this before planning your week will help you decide which areas need the most time and focus.

What are some actions you can do this week to be a more present parent? A more supportive spouse? What can you do to move one step closer to mastering playing your guitar?

Drop these action steps into your weekly schedule. Remember if you value your health — you don’t want to stress out by trying to schedule too much.

You also don’t have to schedule every minute — it’s perfectly fine to block out a few hours and label them as simply “Leisure time.”

Moving Forward with Presence and Purpose

Your chest tightens as you settle in to watch a movie with your kids.

It’s the same old story.

I should be folding laundry. Working on my thesis. Creating my business plan.

The characters in the movie take on a grey tone, and your mind travels elsewhere.

But this time, things are different.

You remember you’ve got time blocked out on Tuesday morning to work on your thesis, and that laundry is near the bottom of your priority list.

You start to breathe and relax a little, and the colors in the movie become more vivid. You savor the taste of salty, buttery popcorn on your tongue, and the sweet sound of your child’s laughter.

You think:

I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here. This is what I want my life to be about.

You’ll never be perfect at managing your time, or completely banish the persistent worry that you could be doing more.

But when you align action with a strong set of values and clear priorities, you can pour your attention into each moment, and truly be present with the people and work you love.

You can take a deep breath, and know that spending time with your loved ones is not only okay, it’s the right thing to do.

Books to Reference:

Living Forward by Michael Hyatt and Daniel Harkavy: This book takes the process of setting your priorities even deeper by creating a full life plan, and setting specific goals based on your values.

Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven C. Hayes: This book focuses on living a vital, values-based life despite depression, anxiety or chronic pain. It follows the same planning process but is more geared toward mental health.

Atomic Habits by James Clear: This book is focused on the habits aspect of living a values-based life, and teaches you the best ways to build long-lasting habits based on the person you want to become.