Why You Should Forget About Your Goals in 2019 (And What to Focus on Instead)
2019 is going to be your year.
You just started your new keto diet, and the weight is going to stay off this time.
Marie Kondo is in your linen closet, urging you to “Tidy Up.”
Rachel Hollis is at the foot of your bed with a bullhorn yelling, “Girl, wash your face and live your dream!”
And this time, you’re listening. I’m going to do it in 2019, you say.
But deep down, there is a stir of hesitation. A tiny flicker of a feeling behind your fresh new 2019 smile — doubt.
It’s just that you’ve been here before. At the precipice of a new beginning, inspired and energized. You start out with a good streak of 2 weeks, maybe a month of working out or meditating, but somehow it always ends up fizzling out.
One stressful day at work leads to skipping the gym for Netflix — then another, and another, until you’ve officially given up.
Sure, your favorite TV and online gurus are providing plenty of inspiration to keep you moving. But you’re asking:
What could possibly be different this time around?
And I don’t even own a linen closet.
Maybe all is not lost. Maybe you just need a shift in perspective. And the first step:
Forget about your goals.
Are Goals Really Effective?
Type any variation of “How to achieve goals” into your Google search bar, and you’ll be treated to approximately 1,000,000 blog posts and articles teaching you why goals are important.
They’ll teach you how to properly write them and work toward them — you can even buy a fancy day planner centered around them.
Most people who are unhappy with an aspect of their lives naturally move toward goal-setting. The inquiry may look something like this:
What do I want? I want more of X. (Money, weight-loss, etc)
How do I get more X? I perform Y. (Working, exercising)
I stay motivated to get more of X, by setting specific goals for doing Y on a regular basis, and if I reach my goals, i’ll get the outcome I desired, and be happy and satisfied.
It sounds pretty straight forward.
But if goals are so great, then why is it that, according to a widely-cited study at The University of Scranton, 92% of people never reach their New Year’s goals?
Most will tell you there were errors in the creation and planning of your failed goals.
I’m here to tell you that you failed at your goals for 2 reasons:
- Your happiness depends on achieving a certain outcome, and when you fall short, you feel defeated, and are more likely to give up entirely.
- You didn’t get completely clear about why you set the goal in the first place.
And the why, is the most important part. It’s where the process of real life change should begin.
Never Fail Again, Guaranteed
Let’s circle back to your inquiry.
What if, instead of asking: What do I want to have? You asked:
Who do I want to become?
This question will lead you to a never-ending, fail-proof source of motivation: your values.
Psychologist and author Steven C. Hayes offers a great description of values in his book, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life:
The word “values” comes from a Latin root that means “worthy and strong.” It carries an implication of action, which is why that same root leads to the word “wield.” It connotes actually using what is important and strong.
Values define not only what you you want to pursue from day to day but what you want your life to be about.
Values are very different than goals because they are not outcome-based. Once you choose them, they serve as eternal guideposts to move toward, even when you fail at your goals.
A great way to uncover your deepest values is to think about what is most important — who you want to be, in the different domains of your life. For example:
Life Domain: Parenting
Values: Compassion, presence, leadership
Life Domain: Relationships
Values: Loyalty, empathy, honesty
Life Domain: Career
Values: Courage, diligence, creativity, discipline
Other life domains could include spirituality, citizenship or health.
So what do goals vs. values look like in the real world?
Let’s imagine you’re a long-distance runner, and you set a goal to run a marathon in under 4 hours, but you come up short at 4 hours and 45 minutes.
If you focused only on the goal you’d set — to finish the race in under 4 hours, you’d likely feel defeated.
But what if you were also in tune with your deepest values of courage and perseverance?
In signing up for your first marathon, risking failure or injury, were you acting with courage?
In putting forth maximum effort during the race, and refusing to give up, did you persevere?
Thinking about it this way, you’re now a massive success. You feel proud, and the only thing left to do is keep doing what you’re doing — because that’s just the type of person you are.
Values Lead to Meaningful Action
By now you might be thinking, sure, values are great, and they make me feel all warm and fuzzy but I really do want to lose 20 pounds. How can values help me to that?
Values are important because they provide a basis for your actions — they drive your behavior.
Every day you show up to work because you believe in supporting yourself and your family, and you are loyal to your co-workers. (Responsibility, loyalty).
You recycle because you believe in caring for the environment (compassion, citizenship).
You want to lose 20 pounds because you value your health. And when you start seeing yourself as someone who values health, you will naturally start to change your habits to suit that identity.
James Clear is an expert on habits and behavior change, and the author of the book, Atomic Habits.
In the book, he describes 3 layers of behavior change, and likens them to layers of an onion (Starting from the outer-most layer):
The first layer is changing your outcomes. This level is concerned with changing your results: losing weight, publishing a book, winning a championship. Most of the goals you set are associated with this level of change.
The second layer is changing your process. This level is concerned with changing your habits and systems: implementing a new routine at the gym, decluttering your desk for better workflow, developing a meditation practice. Most of the habits you build are associated with this level.
The third and deepest layer is changing your identity. This level is concerned with changing your beliefs: your worldview, your self-image, your judgments about yourself and others. Most of the beliefs, assumptions, and biases you hold are associated with this level.
As you can see, goals still play a part in behavioral change. The problem is, most people try to initiate behavior change by starting at the outer-most layer of the onion — what Clear calls “Outcome-Based Habits”, rather than the inner-most core of the the onion, what he calls “Identity-Based Habits.”
Your daily habits — even the small ones — your tendency to eat when you are stressed, to take the elevator rather than the stairs, provide you with tiny bits of evidence of your identity, that over time, form your core beliefs about yourself.
This is why you’re so doubtful your new diet will work this time around — you’ve got an overwhelming amount of evidence that you’re not the type of person that sticks to a diet.
So what do you do?
Become Who You Are, One Atom at a Time
The good news is you can start building evidence for a new identity — one that matches your deepest values — by changing one tiny habit at a time.
The choice to take the stairs instead of the elevator, or to cope with stress by taking a walk outside rather than reaching for the chips, may sound small — but changing just these 2 small habits every single day adds up to a lot of calories burned.
The greatest thing about transforming tiny habits: they tend to initiate a snow ball effect on the rest of your behavior. As evidence accumulates, you start to shed your old beliefs and start to trust that you really are a person who values health — and you initiate more and more small behavioral changes that align with your new identity.
You skip the soda machine on the way back to your office.
The donuts in the break room don’t seem as tempting, so you pass.
Instead of splurging on pizza after a tough workday, you decide to call a friend and vent your feelings.
Each small choice is more evidence. As James Clear puts it:
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.”
The Enemy of Identity Change
You know who doesn’t want you to become who you are? The media.
Why? Because the process of genuine, permanent transformation takes a long time, and requires patience.
This doesn’t help them sell their products and programs that promise to “Drop 30 pounds in 30 days!” or “Build a profitable business and quit your job within 6 months!”
This is why you might be balking at the idea of tiny changes to your habits. Everyone wants to see fast results, and images on TV and social media make it seem easy and possible.
Working out for 2 hours a day and following a strict diet may get you quick results, but you’re less likely to stick to a habit if it’s extremely difficult and strenuous. Studies show that willpower is a limited resource — so the more willpower it takes to follow a diet or exercise regimen, the more vulnerable you’ll be to lapses in self-control.
But people who are in touch with their values have a deeper well of willpower to draw from. An article from the American Psychological Association notes:
“Mark Muraven, PhD, of the University at Albany, and colleagues found that people who felt compelled to exert self-control (in order to please others, for example) were more easily depleted than people who were driven by their own internal goals and desires. When it comes to willpower, those who are in touch with themselves may be better off than their people-pleasing counterparts.”
Another enemy of identity change: perfectionism.
Have you ever delayed a new project because you felt you had to have your ideas perfectly in line before you even start?
I am guilty of this — I’ll delay writing for fear it won’t come out perfect on the first try. I’ll put off my work-out because I don’t have every aspect of it planned out.
The great news: you don’t have to worry about being perfect — because your values already are.
It takes time and self-awareness to uncover all of your values, but once you discover them, each one serves as a perfect, shining beacon to move toward — even after you stray from your path. Steven C. Hayes explains:
“Suppose a businesswoman bemoans her frequent absences from her home because she “values work too much.” Clearly, this means that in addition to her work she also values being with her family. What she needs to work on is finding a way to balance and integrate these two sets of values. Her values are perfect — it is her behavior that needs work.”
So — when you slip on your diet and start to feel bad about yourself, all is not lost. You feel bad because you know you value your health, and all you need to do at anytime is simply turn back toward the value — and start realigning your behavior with it.
This quote from author Brene Brown sums it up perfectly:
“You don’t have to be perfect, just engaged and committed to aligning values with action.”
A Fresh Meaning to “New Year, New You”
You don’t have to completely forget about your goals this year — you simply need to start the process of change from a different place— the innermost core of who you are and what you value.
It’s time to turn off the TV, unplug your podcast, put away the diet supplements and get completely clear about the person you want to be.
Then, slowly but steadily, start becoming that person — one small choice at a time.
2019 is definitely going to be your year.
